There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
