i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
