He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
