she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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