2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
