I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
