chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
