I puked a lego.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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