i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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