my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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