I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
