It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
