i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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