This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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