can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
