Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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