Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
