Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
