I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
