get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
