I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
