I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
