bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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