Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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