i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
