I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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