You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
