Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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