you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
