Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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