why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
