She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize