just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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