my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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