he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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