In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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