he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
