You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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