Do you still have your period?
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
