Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
