If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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