nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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