If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
