so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
