Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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