shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
