I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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