are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think I just sharted jello shots
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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