I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
