We won't sleep together?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
