I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
