And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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