her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
