I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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