I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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