i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
