and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
