You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
