It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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