I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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