I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
