if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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