I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
