party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
