Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
